I feel like I've done a bunch of things wrong lately. I feel like I’ve done something morally wrong. Like I’m a criminal, or a bad person. Like I’ve been caught with my hand in the cookie jar when I never actually put it in. Or accidentally put it in. The fact is I’m a rule follower and I don’t like looking bad.
Some argue it’s easy to love God when life is comfortable. But I propose that it’s actually harder to stay close to and rely on him during these times. How do I nurture our relationship when life is fine, ordinary, and boring? What about when there isn’t a crisis, a hurt, or a longing to take to him?
“Getting rid of stuff makes me feel lighter,” my daughter-in-law said. Without thinking, I responded, “I don’t believe I’ll have the means to replace something if I let it go so I keep it just in case I might need it.” Even as the words were out of my mouth, my heart knew the truth. I still operate out of a scarcity mindset.
I received my Covid-19 vaccines with mixed emotions. Grateful for some form of protection while aware that absolute immunity is not guaranteed. Concerned about the possibility that I subjected myself to unnecessary risk, yet heartened by the prospect of mitigating it.
The desire to figure everything out, to fully understand, and make sense of my world is strong in me. However the events in our nation's capitol last week proved that even more fleeting than the loss of control over my schedule and calendar (due to a pandemic) is any control I thought I had over the beliefs and actions of others. Four guiding truths emerged as I pondered a quote from Emily P. Freeman.
I am an aunt to some lovely young women and men. I have cultivated individual relationships with them and enjoy my unique role in their lives. Being their aunt gives me a certain advantage over their mothers.
I'm on another crafting binge. The last time I made so many projects in one stretch was after my dad passed away. When I finally came up for air, I asked myself, "What was that?" I now realize it was my response to grief.
Feelings of sadness have flooded my soul and the social media of my friends and family. We are sad, both individually and collectively. And we have every right to be.